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A Week in the Life of the Slug That Lives on My Front Stoop


Well, here it is. A fresh week. Oh God, here comes this asshole.


Yeah, why not put your foot a little closer to me? Idiot.


You bitches have that whole big house. Why the hell do you keep coming out here? This is my house, and I don't like you. Dumb bitches.


I'm not trying to touch you. Why do you keep trying to touch me? Don't touch me anymore. Your finger makes me sick. Stupid. You stupid, stupid, asshole.




Fine, don't even ask me why I'm sad. I'll tell you anyway. My friend Lance took a walk around a margarita late last night.


Someday I'm gonna get off this stoop. I can go anywhere I want. I can go right off into that grass if I feel like it. You smelly, stupid, retards.

(Previously published on Total Bozo Magazine - 5/23/15)